Disney World

This is what I thought our vacation would be like....This is what it actually was like... But seriously...Stephen had a business meeting in Orlando and we were lucky enough to be able to join him and his family. We had a great time. You'd think it would be really easy to keep a 4 year old and a 2 year old happy in the "Happiest place on earth" but then you remember their ages. They are tired, hot, hungry, and don't want to stand in line for 40 minutes. We pumped them full of ice cream bars and cotton candy and it all worked ot.

Cheating

Yesterday's Dr. Phil was about dreams and why we have them. It got me to thinking about my reoccurring dream and why I am having it. Since we have been married I have been having these dreams that Stephen cheats on me. I have them about once every 2 weeks. The first one when I found out I tried to call his dad and tell on him and I was absolutely devastated. I have tried to consciously make progress in my dreams (while I am unconscious) to solve the dream so I can quit having them. Well I still have them but now when he tells me he's cheated and he's leaving me, I am prepared. I know exactly what I am going to do. I know that I'll go to school at nights and see if he'll pay me instead of day care to watch the kids during the day. I know how our things are going to be divided and everything else. It's really quite sad. Sometimes I wake up and I am a little jealous and hurt. But I have gotten to the point where I don't get angry at Stephen anymore, and I am so thankful that it was just a dream. I think I am watching way too many talk shows that are implanting my mind with the thoughts that this could happen to me. I watched Oprah the other day and got some good ideas on cheaters. Ha. Because of that show I totally thought Stephen was cheating on me...Stephen has been working nights and the other night I woke up and went to look in the garage and his car wasn't there. There was some laundry on top of the dryer and I thought in my sleepy state that he came home, rummaged through the clothes to find a different outfit, and then left again to meet his lover. I was so distraught, my dreams had finally come true. I then realized that the clothes were the kids' sweaters from the car that I forgot to put away. When Stephen walked through the door, I burst into tears apologizing for feeling this way when he hadn't done ANYTHING to cause suspicion. So to Dr. Phil analyze myself...I think the underlying issue is that I feel unworthy. I had a pretty hard childhood growing up and yet I always knew that I would have a good marriage and adult life. I am so very thankful for all the blessings I have. I am just unsure as to why I have such a good life. Most of the time, like 95% of the time I don't worry about things and I just enjoy my life. But then about 5% of the time I am waiting for something bad to happen. It's weird but sometimes I think it would be a relief if he did cheat because it would show that I was right all along and I am not worthy of love. I am a big believer that you make your life turn out how it does and I do not want to cause bad things in my life to happen by having these bad thoughts. I know these issues stem from my dad leaving my mom and even though I was just a baby it absolutely does still affect me not growing up with a father in the home. Yet because of growing up without a father in the home I am so very thankful for Stephen and that my children will have a father. What a difference it makes! It's kind of funny too because I feel like Stephen showed me what unconditional love is and by him loving me that way I was able to finally find out just how awesome I am and in turn love myself. So I don't know why I am having these dreams but I am getting tired of having them. I think I will take a break from the talk shows for a while and kiss my husband more.