Cheating

Yesterday's Dr. Phil was about dreams and why we have them. It got me to thinking about my reoccurring dream and why I am having it. Since we have been married I have been having these dreams that Stephen cheats on me. I have them about once every 2 weeks. The first one when I found out I tried to call his dad and tell on him and I was absolutely devastated. I have tried to consciously make progress in my dreams (while I am unconscious) to solve the dream so I can quit having them. Well I still have them but now when he tells me he's cheated and he's leaving me, I am prepared. I know exactly what I am going to do. I know that I'll go to school at nights and see if he'll pay me instead of day care to watch the kids during the day. I know how our things are going to be divided and everything else. It's really quite sad. Sometimes I wake up and I am a little jealous and hurt. But I have gotten to the point where I don't get angry at Stephen anymore, and I am so thankful that it was just a dream. I think I am watching way too many talk shows that are implanting my mind with the thoughts that this could happen to me. I watched Oprah the other day and got some good ideas on cheaters. Ha. Because of that show I totally thought Stephen was cheating on me...Stephen has been working nights and the other night I woke up and went to look in the garage and his car wasn't there. There was some laundry on top of the dryer and I thought in my sleepy state that he came home, rummaged through the clothes to find a different outfit, and then left again to meet his lover. I was so distraught, my dreams had finally come true. I then realized that the clothes were the kids' sweaters from the car that I forgot to put away. When Stephen walked through the door, I burst into tears apologizing for feeling this way when he hadn't done ANYTHING to cause suspicion. So to Dr. Phil analyze myself...I think the underlying issue is that I feel unworthy. I had a pretty hard childhood growing up and yet I always knew that I would have a good marriage and adult life. I am so very thankful for all the blessings I have. I am just unsure as to why I have such a good life. Most of the time, like 95% of the time I don't worry about things and I just enjoy my life. But then about 5% of the time I am waiting for something bad to happen. It's weird but sometimes I think it would be a relief if he did cheat because it would show that I was right all along and I am not worthy of love. I am a big believer that you make your life turn out how it does and I do not want to cause bad things in my life to happen by having these bad thoughts. I know these issues stem from my dad leaving my mom and even though I was just a baby it absolutely does still affect me not growing up with a father in the home. Yet because of growing up without a father in the home I am so very thankful for Stephen and that my children will have a father. What a difference it makes! It's kind of funny too because I feel like Stephen showed me what unconditional love is and by him loving me that way I was able to finally find out just how awesome I am and in turn love myself. So I don't know why I am having these dreams but I am getting tired of having them. I think I will take a break from the talk shows for a while and kiss my husband more.